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kenflatt
King Of The Castle
United Kingdom
176 Posts |
 Posted - 03/03/2007 : 04:43:58
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(previously posted elsewhere)
STRUGGLE: PART I
It’s good to be back! Well not entirely back yet anyway but almost there.
Teletran II froze and died the week before last and as far as most of my work the internet goes I was out of commission for a while. The fan in my graphics card had burnt out and everything had shut down. It was fortunate that most of my work and video projects had survived the terrible ordeal which to a degree was my fault for not having the fans changed sooner. I must say that I am glad to be married into a family of PC Doctors who know how to treat their patients well. Now I just have to organise my brand new HD and re-install everything back to normal.
Back normal… That is something I don’t often say or apply to everything going on in my existence. I still have other struggles.
To this day I still struggle with a lot of pent-up anger and frustration. Both of which has been built-up over the last 5 years and mainly the year just gone. A great deal of this anger has been to do with the backstage politics of the education industry and the dictatorship that blackens it. I have often found myself drowning in a sea of hate towards one or two people who spitefully wanted me out of the door because I didn’t suit their ‘BS2 Postcode’ social standards. As said in the film ‘Cool Runnings’ – “People are always afraid of what is different”.
My mind plays back the frustrating times that made my ‘dream job’ a misery. The people who made my job hell with their spiteful behaviour and malicious practises still imprint on my mind like a bad tattoo. I often feel angry that I didn’t heroically hit that person or tell them where to go when the chance was there. Many thoughts play in my mind that I would want to entertain in a heartbeat what I’d like to do and what I wished I have done.
Writing about this does help. Writing my thoughts and sharing them with people whether they care or not makes me feel like I have vented out the negative vibe that wears on me like a heavy set of chains.
Don’t get me wrong, my job in education gave me a steady position and good money and also looks great on my resume and I won’t deny that. My run in the system would have been a nicer stay if not for the personal grudges and unprofessional behaviour of those who went of out their way to make me feel uncomfortable. When it came to those kids I had to hide the emotional dents at times and carry on as the normal good self I intended to be.
I loved those kids. I actually cried on my last day of work. I know the impact I made on those children and I know the difference I made in the lives of many. For me… I had no choice but to leave and make a new start in life. Teaching Assistants and Supply Teachers are being phased out in favour of Super TAs that are qualified teachers and are paid a low salary. Cutbacks were being made and I needed to step forward.
I just hope that I am still remembered in a positive light.
I just hope that ‘the dragon’ has kept her muzzle shut…
Forgiving is as much of a struggle for me as Hatred yet I know that forgiving does work, and I have seen it work for other people. The hardest part about forgiving people is the forgetting and the hardest part about forgetting people is the forgiving. It would seem that forgiving aligns to the battle with hatred as opposed to helping me win it.
My inner struggle is something that I don’t feel I can cover in one blog entry. All I can say to those reading is to grab some grub and strap yourselves in for the bumpy ride that is my battle with Forgiveness and Hatred as the tale will continue.
===HERO/KEN
STRUGGLE: PART II
Anyway… The last time I wrote here (or cross-posted rather) I vented out feelings that have been tormenting me for a long time now.
In my previous blog I spoke of how I still had a bad taste in my mouth from the period of torment I endured in my old ‘dream job’. I may have also spoken of how UCW have wronged me many a time too. You could possibly call me bitter, but definitely wronged and definitely scarred from all of this. The healing process has taken longer than I have wanted to make it all better.
I sat and thought hard about how one day these evil individuals won’t matter. Nobody mortal can be nasty to others forever, I mean… Saddam eventually came to his end and after years of inflicting oppression on the Jews – Hitler (a man who once dared to call Jesus a ‘coward’) ended up shooting himself in a bunker. I cannot sentence my own tormentors on their day of judgement. It isn’t my position to banish these evil doers to hell.
I have been wronged on so many occasions. I have felt like I have turned the other cheek and had the other slapped like I was a gullible person. Yet there are people on this Earth who have been and are being wronged worse than I will ever be. The 6 million Jews who died under Hitler, and the 20 million who die through the abortion clinic as far as organised murder of the innocent goes.
I need to scrape my anger aside but to remember to leave my guard up. I can never trust UCW or anyone associated with them ever again. I can’t be too careful when another demon may arise and ‘bring back 7 others’ to have another dig. The demons know they have lost… and they don’t even know it yet.
The Dragon… an old witch from my past still haunts me from my school days. Perhaps she stands at her cauldron whenever possible and is looking to see how she can continue to try and mess with my head. On the occasion she would extend a friendly talon, it would last minute turn into a treacherous claw as if she was a carbon copy of Judas.
In all fairness: Judas had the decency to dangle himself on a noose in a field….
‘The Dragon’: a nasty, spiteful person who enjoys the continued suffering of other people. If she crawls away and dies in a ditch somewhere it will be a sunny day and “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” will be sung and heard for miles around.
The Dragon may one day take over the sinking ship… May that ship sink like lead with her in it… For years she has gotten away with assault on other shipmates, slamming doors and throwing tantrums at the innocent kids. She is crafty and evil and poisonous. She can never be trusted… Whether she needs her wings and her neck clipped with King Arthur’s sword or just be exiled she is a tyrant who should not be in a position of power.
I am going to enjoy exploiting her in blogs to come.
The flashbacks still torment me. I feel sorry for those innocent younglings who still must endure with the oppression. One day… The Wizard of Oz moment will come and the evil Bathonian bint will be a puddle of goo on the ground.
Ah yes! Must remember! “Scrape anger aside”…
Never Confused…
My struggle to move on hasn’t been easy. The more positive goals to aim for are an aid in helping me concentrate on positive thoughts.
Corinthians says: “Bad Company Corrupts Good Character”.
I’m corrupted.
I want some more of that Good Company and a packet of those Scampi Flavoured Nik Naks too.
===KEN
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STRUGGLE (parts 1 and 2)
